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| Last night...
I had the most soul bearing, emotionally relieving conversation with my mom. It went so well. No joke. It was the best conversation that I've had with her in a long time.
No matter how much I kick and scream, plot against them and hurt them, they are still there for me. They truly want the best for me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mom told me that I am a bright, creative, loving, and amazing individual.
It all broke my heart. I had to hold back the tears. It was the best conversation I've ever had with them.
All the shit I thought about them...all the harsh stuff I had said, it all meant nothing. They still always thought of me as their son.
Wow....just wow. This is the first time I've ever . My mom listened to everything I had to say with care and concern. She truly sympathized.
So yea, things are looking up!
By this weekend, I swear I'll pick up that self-help book.
Yesterday, I totally kicked a presentation's ass. You could say I killed.
Actually TWO presentations, all in one day. A mighty feat!
Dressed in drag, had a great time. I even smeared lipstick all over my lips and face! HOTTTTT. And to think, Its on video! Yes, ladies and gents, I was in drag. and its been recorded. Viewing should follow soon.
The other presentation was a teleconference with students from Brazil. It was a great experience and I had such a good time.
I managed to use Wikipedia to complete the project. It took me five minutes to find the info, ten minutes to read it all and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM I WAS DONE. I RULE THE WORLD. Oh yes, I rule.
My therapist and I have talked about some things.
It seems I think in absolutes. Almost like my entire life is in binaries. My personality just gravitates towards absolute thinking. Most of it is ingrained in my personality.
Here goes...whatever happened to me as a child stopped my development. Where some people grow up out of absolute thinking, I have stayed in this stage. I'm a child playing adult games. I have needs and wants that people can't meet. Yet, I push them into meeting them. I push and pull and throw them about until they leave. Then I say, "See you didn't love me!"
I pull people in, I try to come off as being worse than I am...I play games, I manipulate, I use people to feel better about myself, so I can have a better self-esteem.
But this is where it becomes a downward spiral. I don't like being like this. I am overly sensitive to what I'm doing. I get depressed from my own behavior.
Yet, I don't know how to change this behavior. My therapist and I have created several plans of action for me.
One, positive journal-write in you more
Two, more meditation.
Three practice the Buddhist ideal of detachment and loving kindness.
I am through having disjointed love affairs with people. My valued professor friend has told me to never contact him again. Certain friends have had to face me at my worst...hell, they have been with me when I was not medicated and rapid cycling like a motherfucker.
So yea. About this detachment thing.
I love you all. And this doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend. But I have to detach. A person as codependent as me involves himself too deeply with people. The best thing for me to do is practice detachment. I have to disengage from people. I still love you all and respect our friendships.
Things will change.
I really don't know how detachment will look...but it will sort of be me not playing the emotional games I play.
I'm finally being truthful with myself. This is me being truthful. I am meaning what I say, and saying what I mean.
The incident in the past that scared everyone was a cry for help. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be this person. I am scared of what I have become. I am making steps to change it. But it will be hard, it is ingrained in my personality. I have to do a complete system overhaul. It will be a long journey.
But I'm about ready for this fucking journey.
Bring it on! | | |
| All is well.
Turns out, that it didn't matter that I didn't post the Amnesty flyers, there were a bunch of new people at the meeting. Once again, I worried over nothing. I guess I can laugh it off then.
Tired.
Grumpy.
Tomorrow I see my therapist. I actually have something worthwhile to discuss with him.
The point to this is to stop reading.
hot
cold
black
white
up
down
I'm frustrated. IMDB isn't loading. What the hell. LOAD DAMN YOU LOAD
Okay, I'm back.
I got a few videos from the library. One of them being a film my professor recommended to me, Harold and Maude. I was going to link the movie to the imdb site but its being finicky today. So thats a no go.
PLEASE LOAD-DAMN YOU
What the hell is going on today. It must be under heavy loads and not responding. Freaking piece of shit.
POS of the week: IMDB WEBSITE! You're a winner! Hooray.
The little things annoy us, now don't they? Stupid, little things like a website not loading can easily annoy us. We demand performance and output from everything and from others around us. We're trained to consume and push, and pull, and demand and feed, and leech and long.
Today in Film Lit, we spoke on film ideology and the serious implications of implicit and explicit morals, values, ideologies and stances within any given film. I never thought too deeply about it...but all her films in the class never dealt with the consumption of wealth. The only time wealth was addressed was to show the downside of a person. Once the person became wealthy, his or her life crumbled.
Take for instance, Citizen Kane. Kane began gathering wealth which slowly lead to his downfall. His life disintegrated as he gathered more wealth. The more powerful he became, the less is life become worthwhile.
I feel that materialism drives are country. It consumes our thoughts. Hell, I'm a victim of it to. I have wants that I get from the messages society and the media send. I think that we need to be aware of what is going on around us. We cannot sit idly by as life is given to us on TV trays. We cannot medicate what ails us to the point of being numb.
I take medication, but I take it so that I can live deliberately. I have had life on both sides, with medication and without. I choose to live with my symptoms being medicated. The emphasis is placed "choose." I deliberately made a choice. Not many others even make a choice.
All I'm saying is THINK and decide your choices with care and precision.
EDIT: I got IMDB to work! But its still a POS of the week for causing me a slight annoyance. Here is the link to the movie, Harold and Maude...damn, IMDB went back to being a bastard and has stopped loading for me. I DECLARE YOU A POS! | | |
| You walk in, wearing the same clothes from days past
I watch your chest heave
I’m fascinated
As I watch your pale complexion graze past the mirror
I see the faces of all my heroes
With each day a burden
You walk in, wearing the same clothes from days past
Enticing me to walk with you.
You walk in, so casually, you sit down beside me
Whisper thoughts of a blank tomorrow
Staring into your eyes
Forever held in the moments between your breath
I fear the walk you make
From the bed to the door
The seconds left of my life
| | |
| I just got back from a great Halloween weekend.
On Friday, Lisa, Stacia, Kendra, Katie and I left for Athens, OH to see our friend Kelli at Ohio University.
On our way there, we got pulled over because Lisa accidentially weaved into the other lane for a split second. The cop gave her a ticket for $80 dollars. They were preying upon us and other college drivers because they knew about the infamous blockparty in Athens. We got harassed by another cop, a narcotics officer with a search dog. He came up to the window and asked if we had ever done any narcotics. "When was the last time you did a narcotic? You never smoked a joint in high school? Are you lying to me? You better not be lying to me. Otherwise I'll have to get my dog and if we find anything you're going to jail." The guy was a complete nut. We were all thinking that marijuana isn't a narcotic, but we weren't about to discuss the finer points with him. Poor Lisa got a ticket. Ohio cops can suck it.
Friday night we hung out and watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
On Saturday, we were going to go in search of Simms Cemetery. Yet, it was raining so we decided to go uptown to Court street. There was a democratic rally that afternoon and we got to hear speeches from Jesse Jackson and Michael Moore. It was amazing. We had no prior knowledge of there even being a Democratic rally. It was great.
We are a little to the left, but we were in that front crowd, closer to the coffee shop on the left. Jesse Jackson and Michael Moore gave empassioned speechs about the importance of voting in this election. There was a moment of silence when Michael Moore presented a banner of over 1100 soldiers killed in this senseless war. During the moment of silence, the republican group on campus was chanting and there were a few assholes who were yelling, "Moore's a fat ass." It was infuriating. It was a moment of silence.
After the rally, we went to the Ridges mental asylum. It is an extremely creepy and eery place. An unsettling feeling. We tried to break into the TB ward that has been bordered up. Stacia, Lyndi (a friend of Kelli's from Pennslyvania), and I climbed over the fence that was barricading the courtyard to the ward. Stacia said she heard strange noises, but I didn't hear anything. Every door was heavily bordered with wood and nails. It was nearly impenetrable.
In the evening, we went to the huge block party. It was wall to wall people packed on Court St. We all had a great time. It was complete craziness. We saw so many costumes. It was nearly ridiculous. I eventually came back to the apartment and got sick from too much alcohol. Oops.
We all had a great time. I have to say, I really enjoyed OU's campus more than BSU. Their campus is so beautiful. And there college campus is so huge and has an amazing, thriving downtown area. I can't wait to go back to see Kelli and spend more time on OU's campus. | | |
| 24 hours from now, I will be in Athens, Ohio.
I'll be with my friends, among them will be three of my closest friends I've made through school.
Halloween doesn't get much better than that.
I've made my schedule, but I'm waiting to find out when a specific professor will be teaching Eng 230. I am hoping that I'll be able to get the professor I am wanting. To get this professor, I might have to rearrange my entire schedule just to fit him in. It would be worth it though, from what I've heard of him.
At this very moment, I'm listening to the mixed cd Kerry made for me. She made a double cd mix. I've never been given a mix cd, let alone two! It was the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given. The music is so beautiful and she made terrific choices on music. I have Kerry's southern tastes.
I don't have much else to say in my obligatory update.
Other than, that things seem to be going well.
I have some thoughts on my mind though. It seems like I won't be graduating until Spring of 2008! Thats TWO years more than I had expected, all for a year and a half of school that I fumbled because of my depression. Now I'm paying for it. How I'm going to tell my parents, I have no idea. I hope they don't explode and get angry with me when I have to tell them. Its going to start a huge argument with them. I just know these things.
[insert dramatic, emo monologue here]
[insert rant on negativity of my life here]
End of rant.
I think thats better. | | |
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